I started my job. I'm still trying to figure out how grown ups don't lay down all the time. I.am.tired.
I have been studying two hours a day, a little more on weekends, for my licensing exam coming up in July.
I am not sure if I can put into words the anxiety I feel about this test.
When I start thinking about having to look online after the test, to see if I passed or failed, my heart rate picks up and my belly does flips. I try to shove these feelings down with food... It hasn't helped thus far.
I have talked about this anxiety a lot. Any time someone has asked about the test, sometimes even if they don't.
I have thought about it a lot. About what will happen if I don't pass, how scary it will be, how awful.
But not once have I prayed about it.
I can talk a good talk. I whole heartedly believe what I say... I believe my God is powerful. I believe my God is mighty. I believe in His son and I believe in His grace. I believe He is sovereign and I believe I am where I am according to His plan. And I believe that for you, and you, and you.
But all too often... I fail to live like I believe this. I fail to love like this.
I say I'll pray for you and I don't. The same lips that proclaim the name of God, complain, gossip, and disrespect my husband. Some Most days I don't make time for God. Most days I look more like the world than Jesus.
We have the power to shape the image we portray. However untrue to our character it may be. In a world ruled by smiling profile pictures I want to make it clear that I am broken. That I know it.
And that it is okay.
And that it is okay.
Regardless of how many times I come to God crying for my complacency, crying out for forgiveness for my selfishness, for my pride, crying out that I will never be good enough... He always sends the same thought to my mind...
You don't have to be.
We will always be hypocrites, because we will always be sinners.
I praise a God who saved me anyways.