Our baby was due a month from today.
It makes my heart ache thinking about what this month should have, could have looked like. It makes me miss my baby. How can you miss someone you haven’t met?
I should be putting the finishing touches on the nursery. I should be washing clothes and putting them away. I should be checking our packed bags. This month should be filled with joy and anticipation of meeting our first child.
I received an email this morning notifying us that we are now licensed foster parents.
I was initially so excited. Then fear crept in.
Are we ready to be parents? The room isn’t ready. We don’t have clothes or a car seat or toys or a bag. We don’t have daycare prepared. It has been just the 2 of us for 5 years, can we do this? What if I love them and lose them? Everything is going to change. We are suppose to have 9 months to get ready for this sort of thing…
Haven’t we though?
Haven’t we had 9 months? Nine months filled with trials and teaching. Haven’t we had 9 months thinking about and praying for our future children? Haven’t we had 9 months of loving them and losing them?
Hasn’t He prepared us for this first child?
And if He has been preparing us, who has been waiting for us? What has the past 9 months been like for our child that God would prepare us in this way?
It isn’t what we thought this month would look like. It is messy. It is unfamiliar and unknown.
It is terrifying. But, my goodness is it poetic.
It doesn't make it okay. It doesn't lessen the hurt we feel when we think about the past 6 months. It still doesn't make sense. This world is still the terrible awful place where my babies had to die for us to be able to love and provide for someone else's child this February. But He shows me a glimpse of His plan through the poetic timing and reaffirms to me that He is doing something. That we lost our babies in this world to care for another family, to show them God's love in this world... Because He knows we will have our babies in another.
After all, I will spend this month preparing a room and putting away clothes and waiting in eager anticipation to meet our first child in this world.
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