My prayer at the Mount

10/21/2015

I asked God to take the deep longing to be pregnant from me; to bring me peace, to rest in His plan for our children.

A friend lost her second baby last week. My heart immediately broke; tears immediately filled my eyes. No. No. No. I imagined the fear she had to keep at bay, finally fighting it off with the sound of a healthy heart beat. The absolute devastation that followed.

I ache for her.

Selfishly, it terrified me.

If my future holds 50 babies in heaven and none in my arms, I’m not sure I want to go.

I want to shake my head no and close my eyes and ball up my fists and stomp my foot and tell God that if that is what He has in store for me, I am not going.

I can sit here and let my heart be filled with dread about tomorrow, about future loss and suffering. The fear could eat me alive. I could easily be overwhelmed with anxiety thinking of when and how long we will have to wait for our next baby will come... and how much I wish I was still carrying our first. Once we are pregnant, worries of when we will be pregnant will give way to a million more about keeping our baby and bringing our baby into this world. Then the worries will transform into a million more and different fears.

My mind sees black and white for moment: either I am pregnant or I’m not; either our future children will live or they will not. Regardless, God is almighty and loving and in control. There is nothing to fear.

I breathe out, release my hands, open my eyes, and resign to whatever He will call me to. 

There is no earthly pain that can remove my God from His throne. 

He has conquered death. I am safe.

I can finally feel the peace in that.