Food. My best frienemy.

I love food.

I love to cook for my husband. I love to bake treats to make people feel special. 

I love to eat treats to make me feel special. :)

BUT

 I struggle very much with my body image.  This struggle changes my relationship with food into destructive patterns. All of sudden food is my enemy and not the fuel required to power the body God has given me.  The body He made so very functional and talented and healthy.  

The body I see so very differently when I look into the mirror.

The way I see my body is not pleasing to the Lord.  

Nor is the way I perseverate on its image.

 A day can be a complete failure based on the way I ate.  

If I lose control and do not eat well I go to bed angry and hating myself. 

Consequently I take it out on my husband, feeling as if he must preceive me the same way. 

I punish myself the next day asking my body to operate and exercise on inappropriate amounts of fuel.

Then when it becomes too much or I am upset by the way I look, I eat something bad for me and I hate myself. And it all starts again.

  I worry about how I am being perceived. 

Do they think I'm fat?

 Do they think I'm lazy? 

Is someone counting these cookies?

 Will I be seen as a failure for my extra pounds? 

And if I don't find myself attractive I think there is no way Michael will and I turn away from his comforting arms. 

It not only occupies my thoughts, but my conversations, especially with those closest to me. I am confident that Michael and Dana tire easily of my constant beratement of myself.

 Their love for me is only a fracture of the one who created me. 

The one who made this body. 

The body I constantly berate.

How much more does it hurt the Lord to hear the harshness I use towards my body?

When I put so much time towards how I look and provide so much conscious thought and measure of myself into what I see in the mirror or what others see when they look at me..Precious time I could be investing in my relationship with God.

I AM MISSING IT.

I AM MISSING HIM.

This epiphany does not mean my destructive habits will change over night. 

 It does not mean that I will not still obsess or make bad choices.

 But I recognize my sin and destructive patterns.

And I do not have to face them alone.  

Thank God. (Literally :) )

In order to take the focus off what my body looks like and focus on making healthier decisions for the body God created, I planned an eat clean week for Michael and I.

Now, I know said week but that does not mean that at the end of the week we got to binge on terrible food.  This was not a crash course week, it was a step towards making healthier decisions all the time, while not defining myself by those decisions.

We found a lot of yummy recipes that packed full of nutrients and protein without a lot of calories!

Michael and I were both surprised how good they were and I would love to share them with you.

Pay your body back for all the mean things you said about it, it can hear you!

If you do not go to Aldi's, you seriously need to go to Aldi's. 

All the food pictured below fed us for an entire week. 

FOR $50!!!!

Dinner 1: Shrimp with Avocado-Mango Salsa

 Changes: I did not use cilantro cause I think it is icky. 

Instead of tomatoes and the chile pepper I used a fourth of a can of medium rotel.  It gave it a little kick!

LOVED this recipe. It was so good and filling, neither of us had room for the green beans!

Dinner 2: Hummus Crusted Chicken and Vegetables

 Changes: I used a million chicken breasts and baked them in a separate dish so we had lunch all week!
I also used whatever veggies I could find. I layered the bottom of the dish with spinach and put carrots, zucchini, broccoli, and onions on top. (Just had to spell check spelling for every single vegetable. Fail.)

 Michael said this was the best chicken he had ever had!

Dinner 3: Turkey & Quinoa Taco Lettuce Wraps

THESE WERE AWESOME!

I had set out tortilla chips and salsa for a treat and we didn't even eat them.

Changes: I added black beans to the meat mixture when it was almost complete and instead of tomatoes in the meat mixture I had the left over medium Rotel from the shrimp. 

I used romaine hearts for the lettuce.

Michael's were a little large and got a little out of control :)

 Dinner 4: Spaghetti Squash Spaghetti and Edamame.

This is so easy! Michael was so surprised that it was so tasty. 

When I told him we were having spaghetti he goes, 

"What's the catch? There is always a catch now." 

Buy a spaghetti squash. Cut it in half. Scrape out seeds. 

Fill bottom half with water. Put other half back on. 

Microwave 15 min. Let cool for 3-5 min.  Scrape with fork. 

Top with spaghetti sauce and a sprinkle of parmesan.  BAM!

Edamame: Steam-able bag, sprinkle sea salt on pods. 

This is the best healthy snack EVER! Boom Chicka Pop lightly sweet kettle corn. GET SOME.

 

We ate treats too. 

I have to accept the fact that eating this way is not the end all be all. 

I can eat not healthy things and not hate myself for it. 

I can eat not healthy things and still be a healthy person.

But most importantly, what I eat and how I look is not a measure of who I am... 

not in God's eyes, 

not in my closest friend's eyes, 

and not in my own.

#GatsPT

We kicked off this past weekend with the MU PT Fall Ball with the best theme ever:

GATSBY!

1920s: Bobs & Red lipstick.

 My beautiful friend Merrell is wearing a camera on her head because she is taping a video of our class's awesome FLASH MOB. Watch below!

Video Credit: Eric Chole (far right)

Our class has so much fun together.  

Great last fall ball at such an awesome location: Orr Street Studios in downtown Columbia.

MU PT Class of 2014

The fun continued Saturday as Michael and I joined Rachel, Merrell and Andy (soon to be Mr. and Mrs.!) for tailgating and one hot football game.

MU PT tailgate.

Michael: "There is a lot of free booze and food involved with your department."

We are a professional program.

Photo credit: Ms. Merrell Harmon

After the extremely hot game we traveled to Cole Camp, Michael's home town, to the World's Fair!

 This fun weekend resulted in me eating a hot dog, piece of pizza, cupcake, burger, and funnel cake

 IN THE SAME DAY.

Therefore, look for my next post on our Eat Clean Week!

The curse of a planner.

If you know two things about me, it is probably that I’m:

1. Controlling 

and 

2. A planner.

There are few days that go by that I do not have a to do list.  And if I happen to complete a task that is not on that to do list, I write in on the to do list just to check it off. 

I have always had a vision of the way my life would go. Currently, I see my graduation next May, getting a job as a physical therapist closer to home, buying a house, and just maybe making a baby or 5. :) (but not a moment sooner!).

But do you know of the above what I have control of? NOTHING.

What if I don’t graduate?

What if I don’t pass my boards and don’t become a physical therapist?

What if I do and can’t find a job?

What if the best place for us is not closer to my family?

What if we can’t afford a house?

(And the scariest)

What if we can’t have a baby?

(That is even scarier than if I were to waddle across the stage at graduation.)

The point is regardless of whether or not I relinquish control to God, He is in control not me. 

The plans I make are only an evil arrogance.

13 Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit”— 14 yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. 15 Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.” 16 As it is, you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil. 17 So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin.

James 4:13-17

Dave Cover preached this sermon at our church, The Crossing. 

I couldn’t help but think of how much I plan on a daily basis.  And how little I take into consideration just how arrogant I am being. 

There is a comfort in knowing that regardless of the arrogant plans I make, God's plan will prevail.  Wherever we live, 

wherever I work, 

whether we adopt or have six babies, 

Michael and I will be there according to God's plan. 

Not our own. 

And we can seek Him and His will wherever we are.