I hate decisions

I have buyer's anxiety about having buyer's remorse.

I don't like making decisions because I worry that I will regret the decision I make.

We go out to dinner and it takes forever for me to decide on a meal. I know I'll like seafood alfredo, but the lobster ravioli looks really good. But maybe it won't be as good as what I know is already good and I'll be sad and will have wasted our money on an icky lobster ravioli.

My poor husband.

It also causes me to save money, you'd think that would be a good thing, right?

Turns out it can be just as frustrating. I get money as a Christmas gift and it will probably last me until next Christmas. I will keep putting off what I want instead of getting it because what if I find something I want more at a later date but I have no Christmas money left to spend!?

Or more recently applicable, what if we spend our eating out money early in the month and some Tuesday night the last thing I want to do is cook dinner but we spent the eating out money on a random Sunday afternoon when we had leftovers in the fridge?!?! Oh the horror!

Last week my grandma really went downhill fast. Her oxygen saturation was in the 70's. She was confused and uncomfortable and incoherent. My big brothers had to go over multiple times to transfer her because mom couldn't. Transfers are in my area of expertise, so it was especially hard for me to not be able to help.

My flight for the American Physical Therapy Association Combined Sections Meeting in Las Vegas was scheduled for Monday. On Thursday, Rachel and I are supposed to present a poster on our research on toe walking and autism. A poster that's been a year in the making! I spent the week wondering what to do, to go or not to go. I thought going home over the weekend would make my decision for me. Her condition would make it obvious that I had no business being in Las Vegas. When I transferred her to bed Friday night she needed maximal assistance.

Saturday morning I came in to get her up and her eyes were open wide and bright. She spoke as clear as day and said good morning. She stood with minimal assistance and walked 5 feet to her chair. Who was this woman?

She came to the table for every meal and ate well. When she couldn't have anymore pain medicine but grimaced still, we prayed. She didn't mention the pain again.

Sunday was a good day too.

We are so very thankful for these good days. Ones we didn't expect to see.

But what was I supposed to do now?

I could go to Las Vegas. Would I be worried the whole time? Would she go downhill again? Would I wish I could be home and praying with her? Would she meet Jesus while I was gone? Would Mom need me and I couldn't be there?

I could stay with her. Would everything be okay this week and I would be sad I didn't go?

I HATE DECISIONS because I am scared to make the wrong one.

I went for a run to pray. (The first mile I just kept thinking how cold I was and forgot to pray.) I hoped at the end of the run I would feel peace, knowing whatever my heart desired was inspired by God.
The first question that popped in my head during my prayer was,

 "What would glorify God more?"

...

So, here I am. Not in Vegas.

I could have glorified God there. Presenting a poster I worked hard on, giving Him glory for my work and the blessing of the trip.

But every time someone told me to go I couldn't imagine leaving.
I don't know why. I have to trust that God gave me the desire to stay here for a reason.

Maybe this week isn't Grandma's time. Maybe that isn't why He wanted me here.
I must say it makes me sad to think I could be staying at the Venetian with one of my best friends, experiencing a fun city, and enjoying the rewards of our hard work. It makes me feel that buyer's remorse. Then I feel guilty for wishing I was elsewhere.

Maybe the real reward was the opportunity to spend this week with my Grandma. Praying when the pain gets bad, and sticking my tongue out at her while the nurse talks to make her smile.

He knows something I don't, and I have to trust that.