Drum roll please...

Not a fan of change. Or the unknown. I'm too controlling and too much of a planner.

Change and the unknown highlight my weaknesses, and more importantly, my inability to rely on God.

We narrowed down our future place of living to Columbia or Springfield.

Michael has a good job. We love Columbia and our church. I loved my clinical at Rusk and there is an opening I have applied and interviewed for. A pediatric job opened up in Jeff City with a third of the caseload being adult neuro. Two of my best friends are staying in Columbia.

Moving to southwest Missouri means Michael finding a new job, finding a new church, possibly settling for a job that isn't my first choice, and more likely than not, I won't see my family as often as I have envisioned.

But I have always pictured us moving closer to my family. Weeknight dinners with my brothers and their families, my nephews coming over on the weekends, lunches with my best friend, and Michael and I starting a new adventure in a different city.

After speaking with a great friend and spiritual leader we had a great talk. Michael asked me how I saw us serving God with our marriage, what I truly pictured for the next 30 years.  This was difficult for me because I know that regardless of where we go, God goes with us. I know that we can perform God's will wherever we live.  But Michael shared with me his vision.

His vision of my presence in my family's life, growing our relationships with them and God. His own vision of being an example and constant in Little Keith, Blaike, Brady, Quade, Madison, Parker, and Sofia's lives.

I never respected or loved that man more.

Michael was going to take Boone for a walk while I went for a run. We were to use this time to pray about our future. When we saw each other afterwards we would count to three and say stay or move.

I prayed throughout my run that God would align Michael and I's desires with His. About half way through I sat down on a bench and I realized my true selfishness.

In the past month I have been so selfish. I have been too caught up in my own feelings of despair to ask God to take them. To ask for God's guidance.

I have been so focused on what I have pictured for my life that I have been willing to settle for the version in my head. Honestly, I didn't want to give up control of what our life is going to look like. God's plan may not be a pediatric therapist near my family with a house full of kids.  I wasn't ready to face that. I wasn't ready to trade my wants for His greater plan.  How foolish we sinners are.

I can see my inability to give God control and yield to His leadership in my marriage and struggle to submit to Michael. I innately refuse to be led. I realized God showed me what a true opportunity this was to place my faith, not only in His leadership, but also in Michael's. To truly demonstrate submission, allowing God to work in Michael's heart and yielding to his decisions.

So, I prayed, and I surrendered. I surrendered my ideas of what my life is suppose to look like.

I prayed for Michael. That God would guide His heart and I would stay out of the way.

I prayed that I would seek God's leadership. That I would seek Michael's leadership.
That for once, I would follow.

When we got in the car Michael counted to three...

1..

2..

3..

Michael: Move
Me: Yes

Where you go, I go.

Isaiah 6:8
And I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Who shall I send, and who will go for us?" Then I said, "Here am I Lord! Send me!"