ashamed

I have had writer's block.

I have wanted to write... just no clue what to write.

Everything seemed... unimportant.

Or more importantly, uninspired.

Michael and I went to church this morning and our pastor stated that hearing the gospel demands a response.

Yes or No.

I said yes when I was 8. Mom and I were on our way home from church. I had wondered about being saved for awhile. I knew that I was sinful. I knew I didn't want to go to hell. I knew that Jesus died so that I didn't have to. I knew that if I asked him to come into my heart, He would save me.

So one day, on a winding car ride, I asked him.

Since that day, I have learned a lot about God and His character. He has taught me many lessons. He has worked in me and my heart in numerous ways.
At times I have relied only on Him. But more often than that I have relied on myself.
At times I have loved Him most. But more often than that I have loved myself more.
At times I have walked with Him. But more often than that, I have walked without Him.

This morning our pastor said that responding yes to the gospel, to salvation, requires two things:

1. Faith
2. Repentance

Faith, as it pertains to Christ, is not simply belief in Him, but reliance on Him.

Most people believe in God. Most people do not rely on God. Myself included.

I have always believed in God, I consider that the biggest blessing in my life. For reasons unbeknownst to me, God has always been true to me. No questions asked. I have learned the true meaning of the gospel and come closer and closer to God. But knowing Him and relying on Him are two different things, and He requires them both.

In the past few months especially, despite the facts that I see the Lord's work in my life and that I ask Him for help, I do not truly surrender.

This morning, I was hit hard by the fact that I do not live in repentance.

I may complacently ask for forgiveness every once in awhile, I may become overwhelmed with guilt with the sins I repeatedly commit and ask for forgiveness... but shortly after I return to my usual casual prayers and controlling ways.

I know that I will never be rid of sin.
I know that I cannot fix these things about myself.
I can talk your ear off about what I believe and the God I love.

Today I realized that is not enough. Not for me, and certainly not for Him.

My pride fought back. Am I really doing this wrong? But I know Him... But I love Him...

But I'm constantly falling short and not turning to Him.

I will always fall short, I will never be good enough. Christ died so that I don't have to be.  But I do have to bring these struggles to Him, even if that means over and over and over again.

Then I was crying and I was praying. Praying a prayer that I prayed 17 years ago with a new understanding.

And I said yes...

to a life of repentance and a long life in eternity with Christ.