The Worst Day

We lost our baby.

Photo by Anna Merrell Photography and Design

I began writing on Day 3. Harsh, raw, honest words. On Day 5 I sat safely against Michael’s chest, holed up in our guest room, for church. We streamed The Crossing.

The sermon was on Psalm 13:1-6.

How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?

How long will you hide your face from me?

2 How long must I take counsel in my soul

and have sorrow in my heart all the day?

How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?

Words have never fit so perfectly.

He spoke of how ¾ of the Psalms is lament, prayers of complaint and sorrow and questioning God. Only ¼ of the Psalms is praise and glory to God.

He points out that despite the theologically incorrect statements found in the Psalms of lament, God never corrects them.

He spoke about three different kinds of faith: cross faith, tomb faith, and resurrected faith. Tomb faith is cold and dead. There is no faith for a season; Jesus experienced it. Resurrected faith is victory. Most people live their whole life thinking they have to have a resurrected faith, a faith that is constantly rejoicing, in order to be faithful. Because of this belief, people hide their doubt, their pain, their questions, their anger at God because they view these things as weakness in their faith. However, sometimes faith looks like a lack of faith.

Jesus was crushed. Darkness filled the skies and Jesus cried out to God asking why He had forsaken Him. That is cross faith. It wrestles with God. It is necessary. It makes you more like Jesus.

Lament was not the ending in Psalms, it was a pathway to praise.

I realized I was writing my own Psalms.

Too often, we hide our darkness… Afraid to spread it, afraid to admit it; as if it defines us or demonstrates weakness. I have found that with the loss of the unborn, people do not talk about it. Therefore, many of us do not know how to love someone through it. God calls us to process our emotions, in order to bring them to Him, in all their ugliness and honesty. This life is filled with darkness and we were not made to go through it alone.

I want to invite you into my darkest days.

It is not pretty. It is not an easy read. It may be too much information.

There will be curse words. There will likely be things that you think should never be said to God.  There will likely be things that you find offensive.

It is real and genuine.  It is unedited.

These days have been the worst days of my life, but one day, when the praise comes, I know it will be deeper, and more joyful than I have ever known.

Walk with me in the darkness, that we might not walk alone.