Day 12

07/19/2015

Michael and I went to Hermann MO for the weekend.

If there was any advice I would give to someone going through this or a situation of your own… which I would not because as previously mentioned I hate advice at this point… but maybe someone is more humble than I or someone you love is going through something and you need an idea for how to show you care. Get them out of their world. Go outside of their brokenness. Even if it is an over night stay 3 hours away from home, get away. I know it will all be there when you get back, but maybe it will look slightly different.

When we left Springfield I was angry. My face was contorted in rage. I had no love for God.  No willingness to respond to His call. Friday night I saw just how dangerous the anger is to my marriage, how quickly and easily I can lash out at the man who has held me and been my rock through it all. In one breath I cursed God, and in the next I realized how much I needed Him.

Michael rented us a cottage with luxury linens and a huge bathtub. I don’t think I could ever give enough credit to this man. The thing about being only with my husband is that I can be 100% me 100% of the time. If a word in conversation makes me sad and my eyes well up with tears, he squeezes me. If I want to talk about our baby until I am blue in the face, he hears it. If I am hurting, he is hurting. I don’t have to feel guilty for making him uncomfortable with my pain. I don’t have to feel guilty for smiling.

We spent a night and 2 days doing whatever we wanted. We drank too much wine. We napped. We ate cheese and crackers. We went for a drive through the country… because we got lost and had no service. We laughed. We cried. We hugged a lot. We slept in. We ate a ridiculous breakfast. We went to wineries. We bought 9 bottles of wine… that’s right, we took 9. We listened to that Oceans song like 20 times. The one where it says:

So I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise

My soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters

Wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior

We talked about how deep the waters are. How we can’t believe He has called us so far out here. How the waves are so deep.

And maybe, for the first time yet, I know that this is where He has called me, and I know He is with me. I can feel His love.

Photo by Anna Merrell Photography and Design