Day 8

07/15/2015

One week ago today we were taking a late 9-week picture.

One week ago today I felt something different while seeing my 10 am patient, something wrong. I quickly went to the restroom and faced a fear I had since I saw those two little lines. The rest of my patients were cancelled; they were told I was sick. We spent the rest of the day waiting. I was pleading with God not to take my baby. I finally called my parents when we were scheduled for an ultrasound; I was so scared, utterly terrified. By 4 pm, we knew baby was home.

This morning I was filled with anxiety as 10 am drew closer. I was unsure if I would be able to make it through the session. Ten a.m. came and went and my patient didn’t show. As much as I love my kiddos, God provided.

By noon I was struggling. I felt alone. I was in physical and emotional pain.

My 1 p.m. mom asked me if I was feeling better from being out sick. I did the craziest thing, I told her the truth. I told her that last week I was pregnant, and now, I am not. She showed pain for my pain, she provided words of comfort; she hugged me.

My 2 p.m. mom asked me about fostering, and again, I told her the truth. She cried for my baby, for my pain. She hugged, a deep loving hug. She told me I was a blessing. She grieved with me. She said she would pray for me. She told her kids that they were going to go to the car and pray for me.

My 3 p.m. dad was standing there as I spoke with my previous patient’s mom; he said how sorry he was for my loss, how they had experienced their own loss as well, and that he would pray for me.

While I was writing my notes around 4 p.m., my 2 p.m. mom came with flowers and tears in her eyes and deep hugs. We cried together. It was the most thoughtful, loving gesture by someone who only knows a part of me. I was so deeply touched by this act of comfort. The flowers were purple, baby’s birthstone would have been purple.

I wept when I returned to my desk, and my coworker held me and cried too. We talked about baby and our family’s hurt. She listened so lovingly.

I did something crazy today. I was honest. I bared my deepest pain. When people ask how I am, I hope they truly care, because it is so difficult for me to hide this overwhelming heartache.

Today, a terribly hard day, I shared with people my pain and they took it upon themselves and offered me comfort and love and, most importantly, prayers. God provided.