Day 24

07/31/2015

Here’s the thing about the thought of “trying” again.

I hate it. I hate that I am not 13 weeks pregnant today. I hate that my baby is gone. I hate that I will never hold my sweet baby in this life.

It is all wrong, I shouldn’t have to be thinking about getting pregnant right now.

And the real truth, which I hate, is that I desperately want to be.

Because otherwise I am just a momma without a baby.

08/01/2015

The last few days have been rough. I have been emotionally overwhelmed. My heart goes to dark places and they fill my whole body. It feels like I am screaming from the inside out and I can’t calm down. My hands form fists and they squeeze as tight as they can. That same damn roller coaster just keeps going.

I woke up this morning and prayed. I prayed that I would seek His face in those moments today.

I finished the prayer and read my devotional for the day, which was this verse:

“Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill His promises to her” Luke 1:48

Mid morning is the worst, I should call it mid morning madness… cause I get crazy.

I don’t even know how to describe it. My feelings consume me. Today was no different. I kept thinking back to that prayer; waiting for Him to pull me out.

I tried to explain this pit of emotional overload I was feeling to my husband; the anger that shackled me.

He grabbed me. He made me look him in the eye. He told me that he heard everything I was saying, that I have every right to feel that way, and that even with all those terrible feelings… he thinks I am perfect.

And I saw His face. I knew immediately that is how God feels about me. He broke the chains.

I was in, no doubt, an ugly condition consumed by things that look nothing like holiness and He saw me as perfect; as righteous. And He showed me His face. It’s funny, sometimes my husband looks a lot like Jesus telling me I am redeemed.

We took my nephew and mom to see a movie. Little Keith and I “surprised” Michael with a water balloon fight in the back yard. We chased each other and we all ended up soaked from head to toe. We sat in the sun in the back yard. I shielded my eyes from the sun, and I looked at my mom and Keith and Michael all sitting around me, and I thought, God is still good.

God is so very good.