Lines

08/14/2015

I have been dreading this first period. I hate not knowing what to expect, when it will be here, how bad it will be. I dread the emotions that will flood me. The real physical, tangible evidence that baby is so very far removed.

I wish I could be someone who means it when they are asked, “When are you going to have kids?” and you say, “Oh, whenever!” Or someone who just happens to realize they are a week late. That person is not me. From the moment we decided to begin “trying” in January, I have tried my best to control it, figuring out my cycle. Even when I gave that up in April, (cause who the hell has time for that?), I eagerly waited for the day I was suppose to start. And by eagerly, I mean anxiously. In fact, when I took the test for baby it was the day before I was supposed to start. I was sitting on the couch, the idea of baby had been running through my head all day and I kept telling myself to wait to take the test... Like there would be a better chance if I wait? Or maybe to keep this hope alive...because before I take it, everything is “could be”. Afterwards, I’m pregnant or I’m not. All of sudden I was up and walking to the bathroom. I made myself leave the room while I waited. I walked around the house. I begged God for baby.  I begged Him that whole week that I wouldn’t start.

When I saw those lines, I felt such joy; such absolute exaltation and gratitude to the Lord. I cried out to Him in gratefulness.

I had thought I would be able to keep it from Michael. Immediately I knew I couldn’t do that and I had no grand ideas. The test I took had expired (who knew they expired?), so I went to Price Cutter. I got another test and a cookie cake. I asked the guy to write, “You’re going to be a dad” on it. He came back with “You’re going to be a dad.” With a period. Who does that? Needless to say, he made it an exclamation point.

As I was checking out the guy bagging goes, “I hope that isn’t how you are going to tell him.” So, I said, “No, it was all they had left back there.” Jokes on you.

I hurried home to take the test and set up the camera. Michael got home as I was testing… I ran around the house trying to get everything in place. He noticed the camera... in his boxers. As he put on clothes I brought in the cake. When he came in the kitchen I held it for him to read.

It was the happiest moment. It was the tightness hug.

The knowledge that I held something so amazing inside of me, brought fear that I could lose this life. Part of me felt like I had convinced God to give us baby. Which is absurd. Nonetheless, it was in the back of my mind that day, and ever present; that I had begged him enough. As if His master plan could be changed by my pleading.

Here I am again, waiting to start. Wondering what could be. The chance that I have even ovulated in the past month is slim, but that hope fills me and with it, anxiety. The not knowing is the worst for me. It tortures the planner and control freak in me.

One line. And it kills me, because I saw two. I saw two damn lines, and now it's gone.