A Faint Line

10/23/2015

You know those moments in your life that change everything? Where nothing is as it was just one second ago...

For instance, when I said I do.

When I saw those two lines.

When I didn’t hear a heartbeat.

And today, when I saw a second line.

Or wait... did I?

Just barely.

Does that count?

Three more tests.
Three more faint lines.

Hope.

I took the test expecting NOTHING... feeling surrendered for quite possibly the first time in my life. It took just one second and then I was dreaming and planning how I was going to tell Michael, our families, all the while standing in complete awe of God’s redemption and plan.

Then I grabbed the reins and pulled hard…

Maybe I shouldn’t tell Michael if it isn’t for real. I went and bought a 3rd package of tests, digital this time, so no faint line would trick me. I waited until this morning. I couldn’t sleep any longer than 5:50 am. I turned away from the test as I waited. I prayed for surrender. I prayed not to be crushed. I turned around.

Not pregnant.

My heart sank. I put the tests away, crawled back into bed, and laid my head on Michael’s shoulder, defeated. I told him. He held me. Didn't I just surrender the desire?

We went shopping for an accent chair later. Michael was careful with my raw emotions all day. I spotted this chair from across the store and walked directly to it, I became excited.

I sat down in it... and it rocked. My heart sank again. I looked up at Michael and he knew how much we both wanted to be able to rock our baby. He said this is the one and we took it home.