To be lost

10/09/2015

All week I have felt

drained

unmotivated

pointless

disengaged

worthless

depressed.

I can get through work. I can care for my patients. Then when I get home I feel utterly depleted. I’m tired of burdening others with my sadness. Everything and everyone else moves on. While I do too, a part of me is always thinking about and longing for my baby. People quit asking. So, I should be fixed right? It has been three months today, I should be “over this”, right?

I think to myself, I should trust what God is doing, but I don’t.

I know that His plan is better than my own, but I don’t believe it.

I know that studying and drawing near to Him is what I need, but I don’t want to.

My prayers are haphazard pleas to take these feelings away, but I don’t believe He will.

I do not take the time to meditate on the truth that what I need right now is Him; to be satisfied by Him; to find my worth in Him.

I wonder if this is what it feels like... to be lost.

To not know or understand your purpose, to not even be sure you have one. To constantly long for something else. To wander hopelessly.

I feel like someone who does not know Jesus, because I feel no joy in His truth.

It is a desolate place.

Photos by Anna Merrell Photography and Design

Photos by Anna Merrell Photography and Design

I read my dear friend’s blog this morning. http://www.katierainesblog.com/2015/10/do-it-any-way.html (She’s way cooler than me.)

I read about the way her friends had pointed her towards God, even when she didn’t want to hear it. I longed for it. I confronted her with my feelings.

She ever so gently pointed out that:

You could call it doubt, but it really isn't, because these pieces of truth that you just typed are just that. They are truth. You know deep in your heart that these are truth.

His plan is superior -TRUTH.

Studying can pull you closer to Him -TRUTH

He will satisfy you -TRUTH

He is where your worth is found -TRUTH

It would take a million lifetimes of hardship for your foundation on the rock to crumble. It can't crumble, because it's not founded on you or on circumstance, it's founded on Jesus. I think the things you listed following those truths are opinions, based on circumstance. Truth trumps circumstance. Truth trumps opinions.

I wish I knew the right words to say, but I do know that you really can't be lost, because you have already been found! Below the feelings of being worthlessness and depression, you are deep rooted in His truth. You are His. You are important and loved, there's a purpose for your life.

It seems so elementary, the difference between my feelings and the truth. But in the same instance it is so easy for these feelings to take over and control me.

It doesn't matter whether "I'm feeling it" or not... my righteousness does not waver. I stand in Christ's righteousness. Christ does not waver. While I feel all these things, these terrible things.. I am righteous.

I sit here now overwhelmed with praise and gratitude that my righteousness does not fall upon my shoulders. That these feelings are just that, feelings. They are not the truth. I can trust Him and what He is doing. I can be obedient to His call because I am His beloved, even when my feelings and self doubt tell me otherwise.

I may lose sight of my savior, my view of Him may blur, but He never loses sight of me.