God with us

11/18/2015

I haven’t written much. More than anything, in most moments I feel there are no words.

For the first time in months I don’t feel worried or anxious about the future. I am not living for a positive test tomorrow or what day of the month it is. While I don’t ever want to go through this again, I know that if we did… we will be okay.

I look at our circumstance and it seems tempting to deem it “unfair”. Yet, my heart KNOWS and is clinging to the truth that GOD IS JUST. He has not wronged me. I am not pitiful. I will spend eternity with my children. How GREAT is my God?

When we began training to foster in April 2015 thoughts of what I wanted our family to look like plagued my mind. Could I prepare a nursery to bring home someone else’s baby? We have always wanted to foster and maybe one day adopt, but I had a picture in my head of how I wanted that to go, too. I had expectations for my journey through motherhood. As much as I prayed to surrender those expectations, I didn’t.

My mind was also plagued with fears about foster care. My second-worst fear was that I would not love the children brought into my home as my own. That I would feel like I am babysitting and fail them. My worst fear was that we would welcome a child into our home and love it as our own and then lose it.

I sit here now, my expectations for our family utterly shattered. My fears faced, having fallen in love with my unborn children so quickly, so fully, and losing them. I sit here now, hands and heart open to whatever God has in store.

I know whatever it may be... He has gone before us and He will go with us. And one day we will join Him.