Truly His

11/19/2015

We always knew we wanted children. I have always known Michael would be the most incredible, attentive father. Until last January it has been a “whenever the Lord wills it” or a “some day” kind of want. Then it changed. All of a sudden we were ready for kids and we wanted them right away. At the same time we wanted to be surrendered to however God chose to grow our family. We wanted to demonstrate God’s love and answer His call to love and provide for those in need. We pursued foster care as we began trying to conceive.

My heart wasn’t there. There was no excitement. In my mind, I just kept thinking “some day” we will do this. And then we got pregnant. We decided we would do respite care and then go on hold when Baby #1 came. When we lost baby, I could not imagine opening myself up to such pain at a time when I was so emotionally distraught. We finished our home study with the intent of going on hold when we received our license. As we healed and God revealed truth after truth to us, our hearts began to change towards fostering. We no longer saw it as a means to grow our family, but truly about providing for children in need, demonstrating God’s love, and opening up our home and arms as a ministry.

We decided we would pick a month and open up for placement regardless of what happened. He said December, I said January. (For absolutely no particular reason.)

A week later we were pregnant. Two weeks later we weren’t.

For the first time and for today, I am actually surrendered, peaceful in the knowledge that my God and His promises are constant. This life is full of death and darkness. We have sat in it, we have lived in it, but He has overcome it.

For the first time, I am excited at the thought of ministering to a child in our care and loving on their family.

After losing baby #1, I was so scared of God’s plan for our lives. Scared that more babies in heaven were in store for us. I wanted to trust Him so badly, to rest in His sovereignty, but it only scared the hell out of me. What if God’s glory meant 50 babies in heaven? I won’t survive it again.

But I have.

For the first time, I am not scared of His plan. While His plans may hurt, they will never harm me. I am saved.

I have never been more aware of the character of my God.

I know whatever tragedy may befall us, whatever hurt we will encounter as foster parents, whether we have 10 babies in heaven and none on earth, come sickness or poverty, loss and betrayal - God is on the throne.

He meant me for more than being paralyzed by fear, for more than my disillusioned, selfish version of the “American dream”. He meant our babies for more.

I will answer His call...come hell and likely, high waters.

For the first time, I feel like I am truly His.