Joy in every circumstance

written 12/06/2015

I have always been a social person, an extrovert. I love to be around people.

So, it is very different for me to be so anxious and uncomfortable in social situations. But alas, I am.

I get nervous thinking about them. I have many anxious moments in the days leading up to social gatherings. It doesn’t matter who it is with, even my closest friends. Family in a big group. It doesn’t matter, I get anxious.

I think of the pity glances. The things people will say that will unknowingly make me uncomfortable. The questions and small talk that will make my skin crawl. The eye contact I will now try to avoid. The “encouragement” I will try to talk over to shield my ears. The drained feeling I will have when I leave from acting like I am someone I am not anymore.

A majority of the time these thoughts and feelings are unfounded and I leave feeling more full. And, sometimes not. When strangers ask if you have kids and it isn’t your party so you have to say no to keep the attention away from you and then you feel as though you are going to throw up because you surely do have children... the fact that everything is so hard is evidence.

We had Friendsgiving in Columbia this weekend. I was anxious.  It is really hard for me to communicate that. To say that I am scared to see my friends because I feel different and I haven’t seen them. So, instead I sit in the passenger seat and think about it for 3 hours and convince myself that I am alone in the world and then blow up as we pull in the drive…

cause that’s helpful.

Sometimes I forget that others love me. Maybe because some days it is hard to love myself.  I was nervous for this weekend, but it was a great reminder that while losing my babies is a part of me, it is not who I am. Sometimes when I think of social situations I see myself wearing a name tag that says “Hi, I have failed to carry my two babies.” A weekend surrounded by and simply being loved by my best friends reminded me that I am not broken. My name tag says, “Hi, I am a child of God...” and He has taken care of the rest.

There is such joy in that, in every circumstance.