Prayers for Mercy

I talked to my grandma on the phone earlier.

It wasn't her sweet, melodic "mmmhello" I've heard all my life. Although, I can still create it in my mind.

I asked her how she was feeling and she responded, "tortured".

This lady has been a large part of my life as long as I can remember.
She took care of me since I came home from the hospital. If you ask her she practically raised me. :)
She loves to tell the story of how one day I called her mom and she said, "No, I'm Grandma." I replied, "No, you're my second mom."  

When I cut the end of my pinky finger off, she told me she got me a present.
It was a tiny little black bear and I adored it.
When my belly hurt, she told me she had something special for me. It was a jar of juice with a straw in it. I felt so special.
She has always done so much with so little.

Time has been such a blessing. We have had the opportunity to make such amazing memories with her since last April. An opportunity that many do not get.

But I have watched as she has needed more and more assistance.
As she went from walking independently to walking with a walker to a wheelchair.
I witnessed her being able to stand less and less to not at all.
Her favorite crafts became harder and harder until she could not see to complete them.
I have watched her appetite dissipate and strength dwindle.
I saw afternoon naps grow longer and longer, taking over the morning.
I have watched her oxygen saturation drop and her confusion and pain grow.

I am not saying I would trade a minute with her for one without. I'm saying it has been hard, especially for her.

As I watch this woman I admire ache and her coherency fade it has been extremely difficult not to question the purpose. What purpose is her suffering serving?

I don't know it. I probably never will. God does.

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing us for an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison. 
2 Corinthians 4:16, 17

I try to carry this with me. Weak moments make me forget.
It is such a comfort to know that while I see her hurting, God continues to renew her.
The pain and struggling I am witnessing is preparing her for ETERNITY, with Him.
An eternity neither you nor I can comprehend.
One that will fulfill all her desires and take away every pain.
An end that will beyond justify the means.
In His perfect time.

The  other night as I laid one of the most influential people in my life down to sleep, I felt incredibly privileged to care for the woman who so lovingly cared for me.

Therefore, I reluctantly put my selfishness and desires aside and pray for mercy.

I pray for her to go home.