Day 15

07/22/2015

At this point, dreading this event on my raw emotions and nerves is absolutely draining. The thought of spending Saturday morning surrounded by my loss makes me shake. I understand that the day is not about me and that this is selfish, but I can’t separate it at this point. I keep trying to. I want to be able to celebrate her baby. I want to be able to give my emotions to others, I just feel as though I have nothing to give. I am so afraid that after I give them, I won’t have anything left to deal with my pain. 
I want to scream “don’t make me do this”.

____________________

I am on the saddest, wildest roller coaster and I desperately want to get off.

I began this morning in a state of panic about this weekend. The thought of pregnancy being front and center breaks off pieces deep inside me. I have felt every emotion today. I felt rage rising within me, I felt like I was sinking into a dark place. I have felt relief. I have felt shame and guilt. I have felt happiness. I have felt alone. I have felt betrayed. I felt utter sadness.

I lay down tonight emotionally spent. But very thankful for friends that put me first when I don't deserve it, for friends that reassure me, for friends that take heavy burdens from me, for friends that love me during my darkest time...even in their brightest.

My head aches from tears and thoughts and worry. I lay down for bed knowing that tomorrow will be better because of today. Tonight, I know that's what God's end game is, an eternity that far outweighs the troubles of this world. A tomorrow that is better because of today.