Day 13

07/20/2015

Sometimes I just feel alone due to misconceptions.

In general, I think there is this belief that I would blame myself. That I would feel guilt, maybe some women do. It could be my science-oriented mind; it tells myself there is nothing I could have done differently. There was too much chromosomal damage for Baby to live. This was not due to anything wrong with us, but rather how the cells that made up baby divided. It is as heartbreakingly simple as that. It could also be my faith-oriented mind; it tells myself there is nothing I could have done differently. God’s plan for us and for Baby’s life was established long before we dreamt or prayed about Baby. His plan is perfect. And it is as heartbreakingly simple as that.

So, I don’t feel at fault.

Even though people try to console me as if I do. That’s always awkward. It makes me wonder if they think it is my fault.

I took vitamins, ate the right foods, exercised; I did all the right things in the right order and that doesn’t matter. I say that without any entitlement. I say it because it is the truth and it demonstrates the absolute lack of control we have and why I don’t feel guilty.

I do feel failure.

Nothing has ever been so absolutely out of my control before. It isn’t something you can work really hard at and get better. It isn’t a test you can study for and get a good grade. It isn’t a race I can train for and the outcome is based on my training and performance.  It isn’t something I can flash my resume at and hope to be chosen. There is no merit. There is no prequalification. There is no certainty. There is no control. I must say I don’t really like it. I suppose if I needed a lesson in something, it is surrender.

I would also like to stress that baby was our baby.

Baby was not just a pregnancy that we can get back “when the time is right”.

I am not mourning the fact that I am not pregnant, or that it didn’t “work out”, although those things do make me sad, I mourn our baby, a life.

Baby consumed our waking thoughts, our prayers, our conversations…ya know… like a child.

This life is not replaceable.

Ask me if we have kids, my answer is yes.

I may not have held baby in my arms, but I held Baby for every second of Baby’s life.
And I wouldn’t trade those seconds for anything.

I held you

every second of your life

                                                                     Photos by Anna Merrell Photography and Design