Day 26

08/02/2015

This morning I prayed that God would give me a heart of surrender.

We took anniversary pictures today. So bittersweet. Sweet because I have never been more grateful for my husband and our years together. Bitter because I should be showing. Baby should be in our pictures. But Baby is not.

I have never felt more out of control; so absolutely at a loss. I can’t say I was blind-sided, because I feared that day in the ultrasound room since I first saw those two lines. I was cautious with my hopes and expectations. I knew what I had was fragile… and completely out of my control.

I recognized that with Baby. Each time I would get anxious at the thought of losing Baby I would come to the same conclusion: God’s plan for Baby’s life has been determined. There is nothing I can do to change it. I can only trust Him and surrender Baby to Him.

When we decided to start growing our family this past January, we wanted to be completely open to however God wanted to grow our family. We have always wanted to adopt through foster care. However, it was hard for me to let go of the picture I had formed of motherhood in my head. The one that is attached to my own expectations for what our family would look like. God opened my heart to see that becoming a mother was not about fulfilling my wants and worldly expectations. Motherhood is about glorifying God by demonstrating His love to a child that He has given me. Regardless of whether the child is biological or not, the child is not truly mine. He or she truly belongs to the Lord. 

I come back to that now. Baby was not mine. Baby belongs to God and His kingdom. God worked through baby and completed that work and called Baby home.

This is not about me. It is not about what God has done to me by taking my baby; it is about what God did through Baby and is now doing through me.