Day 30

08/06/2015

I don’t know how to surrender.

I don’t want to worry and feel anxious about the future. I don’t know how not to.

I pray that I would surrender, that He would take these burdens from me, but I never give them to Him. I don’t even know what that looks like. Or how I would actually do that. Isn’t that just something people say? What does it mean to truly surrender?

I have been struggling with this. How do I get to a place where I am not worried about when that time of the month comes and it absolutely crushes me? How do I not wonder constantly? I want to say that I don’t want to be pregnant, because then maybe I won’t be so disappointed.

Yesterday I was able to ask my closest friends to pray for me about this. Today, I just get up in a bad mood because I can’t not think about these things.

4 weeks ago today.

My first patient didn’t show so I read my devotional. Today it is about the bleeding woman. Matthew, Mark, and Luke all recount her story. She bled for 12 years. No physician could heal her, and yet, she believed that if she could only touch Jesus’ cloak she would be healed. When she touched His cloak, she was, because of her faith.

And, I’m screwed…cause my faith looks nothing like that.

My heart issue:

I want to say that I don’t want to be pregnant because then when I am not, maybe I won’t be so disappointed. Because I realize I have no control. And I do not trust the God that took my baby to give me another one so easily. I do not think that being pregnant will heal my heart, but I feel like a mother and yet I have no children with me. I am broken-hearted that my baby is gone; that the dreams and prayers I prayed for that child will never be in this world. It makes me feel guilty to want so badly to be pregnant so quickly. But I do, because it feels so wrong to not be. It is so hard to admit it because maybe that isn’t God’s plan for me. And if it isn’t, that isn’t okay with me; I don’t know how to get to a place where it is.

The devotional ends with this:

In the midst of our hardship, our brokenness, and our deepest pain, it can be easy to throw up walls around our heart and hide our brokenness from the world. It can be safer to withdraw, to try to fight our battle on our terms and in our own strength. But when we choose to put our feet under our faith and reach our hand out to grab His cloak? We learn to trust Him.

Because He is good. Faith is worth the risk. He will make us whole.

Michael said, “I feel like God wants you to know that He sees you.”

God was not rewarding the woman because she had faith. He was demonstrating His faithfulness, His goodness. I forget His character; that He is trustworthy.

I cannot surrender if I do not first trust Him.

I trust that He sees me and He is with me. Now, I need my heart to trust His plan more than my own.