Day 33

08/09/2015

Marriage advice: camping is a dumb idea for your anniversary and/or when going through the hardest month of your life.

It started on our 5th anniversary two days ago with me locking both sets of keys, our 2 dogs, Michael’s wallet, my purse, and our 3 phones in our running Jeep. To say that he was angry with me is an understatement.

As soon as I pulled the door handle and nothing happened, it all came together in my mind. Both keys are in my purse, my purse is in the car, there is nothing I can do.

Failure.

As soon as I saw that screen with no accompanying rhythmic thump, it all came together in my mind. Baby is too small, baby has no heartbeat, there is nothing I can do.

Failure.

I couldn’t even carry my baby.

That is a terribly hard thing to say, to think. It is a terribly hard thing to experience and feel. It is just as hard to communicate that feeling to others.

So… let’s go for an adventure where everything requires teamwork, ya know, for you to carry your own weight…and just for fun let’s stay outside in Missouri in August with tons of bugs and humidity. Then I can fail at more things… like marriage.

Everything felt like an attack because I was already attacking myself and if I can see the huge failure that I am, everyone else must see too.

Maybe that is why people don’t talk about it. If I see myself as a failure, others must to. Maybe others are rooting for me to fail.

I just know that when I least expected it, the weight of this failure hit me like a ton of bricks and I have been carrying them around all weekend. Telling me not to carry them around doesn’t help. Telling me this feeling is wrong doesn’t help. I don’t even know what would.

What I do know is that the girl I see in the mirror, she lost her baby, and I don’t like her. I don’t want to be her anymore.

  Photos by Anna Merrell Photography and Design