The day I told you

08/26/2015

Can I be a pessimistic, whiny jerk???

I am so anxious about posting my writing. I feel like God has taught me so much through our baby and if just one person feels what I have felt or anything akin to it and can find a tiny bit of solace in not being alone... or if one person is able to reach into someone else’s darkness then I have to post it. Not like God needs little ole me to help bring Him glory… He’s got this. However, I would like to be like Jesus and love like Jesus. If that means sharing the worst days of my life, I want to do it.

What’s stopping me? The same thing that has stopped me the whole time. Likely what stops many from talking about it. The pain. I want to stay in my bubble and keep trying to cover my wounds with my hands and keep it together... But that won't fix it. No one can fix it. That's kind of the point.

Then there's fear that people are going to say some stupid stuff.

I completely recognize how selfish that is. I’m owning it. I get it.

As a human, we constantly feel the need to make people feel better. People try to make you feel better by saying things like,

 “It will happen.” 

“ I’m sure you are going to get pregnant again.”

“You are going to be a great parent.”

“It gets better.”

“When the time is right.”

“It is probably better this way.”

All of which disregards what is actually making me sad, the loss of a life.

I pray for the courage to be bold. I pray to be gracious; to see the good intentions of others. I pray for God to guard my raw heart. I pray that He would do something with this dark time in our life, and work through it for His good. As He has promised.

I need only have faith.

_______________

I have had the pleasure of speaking with many moms to babies in heaven, of praying for them and receiving their prayers. He has given me such a deeper understanding of His promises. Every time someone has called this journey beautiful, God has quietly reassured me. 

I still get nervous pressing the post button, sometimes I fight it, and anxiety and circumstances tell me that there is no point, that it doesn't make a difference. But it has to me, you have made a difference to me. 

Thank God.