Broken Record

09/23/2015

I want to write to try to process my emotions, but I don’t know even know where to start. I have felt all these things previously, like a broken record. I am sure I have written them at some point and came to a conclusion on some sort of truth. But no matter how many times I say those things to myself right now, it doesn’t help.

I am angry that we lost our baby.

I am angry that God is withholding another baby from us. 

I am angry that He has given me a strong desire to be a mother and have a family and yet has not delivered.

I realize how selfish that is as I say it.

There are people everywhere that want the love and companionship I have. That would like to be fulfilled by their profession the way I am. That would like to have the support system I have. That have experienced tragedy for worse than I have…

And yet, I tell God I hate Him.

How utterly ridiculous am I.

As I took the test today, I begged God on my knees, and even as I begged, I knew the answer. I knew He was telling me no. With each “Please” my mind would say, "You are not". I prayed to be surrendered to His plan and His will, but I was not.

All day my devotionals have been about his power. Every song I have heard has been about His power. I do not doubt that He has the power to give me two lines, regardless of if I believe or feel He will, but He did not.

I literally thought to myself today, “I’m done, God. I’m giving up on you. I’m not seeking solace in your embrace. I’m not giving you the glory.”

I sat there thinking about what that might look like. I have previously lived a lot of days in my life indifferent to God, not seeking Him but knowing His truth. I truly do not know what it would look like in my life to absolutely turn away from Him. It is a foreign concept. I wonder if he would rather me indifferent or belligerent. I think about people who don’t believe in God and go through this, how they must have no hope. But they also have no one to blame I suppose, no one but themselves… Maybe that is part of his compassion. He lets me blame Him.

It terrifies me to think that a large family is not what He has in store for us. What if He wants 10 more of our babies in heaven and none on earth? I don’t think I can do it.

I thought about Michael and I having a family and our baby being born next year around the time we carried and lost our baby this year. I thought of tributes to our baby in February when baby would have arrived. I see happy and smiling faces. I think about what God has in store. And dang it, I believe in Him. I don’t think I can help it. I believe in Him when I don’t want to, when I try to run away. I believe in His faithfulness when I have none myself. When I see those smiling faces in my mind, when I think about what is to come, I can’t imagine not giving Him the glory.

Tonight, I lay here thinking about His power.

I am so easily blinded by my emotions and my selfishness.

The God who created the universe, who has no NEED for me, who is absolutely just, who numbers every hair on my head entertains my scorn.

It would be like an ant yelling at me and telling me it hated me. IF I even heard what the silly ant was saying… I wouldn’t care. I’d be like, fine ant, I’ll squash you.

He has all the power to squash me for the terrible, hurtful words I hurl at Him. Still, He does not.

He sustains me.

One day, in heaven, when my flesh has been laid to rest and I am perfect reflection of Jesus, I will understand that God’s glory is truly my own; that what brings Him glory brings me glory. I think the real beauty will be that I won’t care about “my glory” in the least.

God is so powerful, that although I lay down tonight feeling guilty and ashamed and selfish, He still calls me child and forgives me and seeks to lavish His glory upon me.

That is a power unlike any I have ever known.