Meeting Morgan

09/24/2015

I met my best friend’s baby girl today.

I hadn’t been concerned about my feelings for this meeting. I had planned to go alone, as Michael could not take time off of work. A hour before I left he told me he could go with me.

When I woke up this morning filled with unexpected emotions I was grateful he lay beside me. I was filled with anxiety and sadness and anger. I was mad for having these feelings.  It had nothing to do with whom I was going to see, only what. Which was a series of moments I would not experience with my first child.

I think this requires explanation. For someone who has not experienced this loss, I think it is easy to regard these emotions as jealousy, as coveting, as bitterness, as comparison. But that is simply not the case. I was no way sad because my best friend has a baby and I do not. I was in no way angry because her baby lived and mine did not. I was not anxious because I desire what she has. This simply isn’t true.

While my heart urns to be present in my best friend’s most important days, my days continue to carry a weight of darkness. I will be present and experience the light with her. The dark part goes with me, and it aches for moments I did not experience with my baby. I pictured so many days on this earth that will never come with that child. It in no way minimizes the grandeur of and love I have her and her child. It is just the way it is now. That does not negate the fact that I am beyond grateful for this life. In fact, I would say that I recognize the absolute beauty of her life and love her with a love that I did not previously have the capacity for.

As we entered the room, pain filled me. The scene brought tears to my eyes and I visualized myself leaving and sobbing in the car as we left. I thought about what I had imagined for our baby. I bit my lip.

The second she was in my arms, tears filled my eyes for this life.  I was overcome with gratitude for her life and the beautiful way she has made my best friend a mother.  

And I fell in love.