Truly His

11/19/2015

We always knew we wanted children. I have always known Michael would be the most incredible, attentive father. Until last January it has been a “whenever the Lord wills it” or a “some day” kind of want. Then it changed. All of a sudden we were ready for kids and we wanted them right away. At the same time we wanted to be surrendered to however God chose to grow our family. We wanted to demonstrate God’s love and answer His call to love and provide for those in need. We pursued foster care as we began trying to conceive.

My heart wasn’t there. There was no excitement. In my mind, I just kept thinking “some day” we will do this. And then we got pregnant. We decided we would do respite care and then go on hold when Baby #1 came. When we lost baby, I could not imagine opening myself up to such pain at a time when I was so emotionally distraught. We finished our home study with the intent of going on hold when we received our license. As we healed and God revealed truth after truth to us, our hearts began to change towards fostering. We no longer saw it as a means to grow our family, but truly about providing for children in need, demonstrating God’s love, and opening up our home and arms as a ministry.

We decided we would pick a month and open up for placement regardless of what happened. He said December, I said January. (For absolutely no particular reason.)

A week later we were pregnant. Two weeks later we weren’t.

For the first time and for today, I am actually surrendered, peaceful in the knowledge that my God and His promises are constant. This life is full of death and darkness. We have sat in it, we have lived in it, but He has overcome it.

For the first time, I am excited at the thought of ministering to a child in our care and loving on their family.

After losing baby #1, I was so scared of God’s plan for our lives. Scared that more babies in heaven were in store for us. I wanted to trust Him so badly, to rest in His sovereignty, but it only scared the hell out of me. What if God’s glory meant 50 babies in heaven? I won’t survive it again.

But I have.

For the first time, I am not scared of His plan. While His plans may hurt, they will never harm me. I am saved.

I have never been more aware of the character of my God.

I know whatever tragedy may befall us, whatever hurt we will encounter as foster parents, whether we have 10 babies in heaven and none on earth, come sickness or poverty, loss and betrayal - God is on the throne.

He meant me for more than being paralyzed by fear, for more than my disillusioned, selfish version of the “American dream”. He meant our babies for more.

I will answer His call...come hell and likely, high waters.

For the first time, I feel like I am truly His.

God with us

11/18/2015

I haven’t written much. More than anything, in most moments I feel there are no words.

For the first time in months I don’t feel worried or anxious about the future. I am not living for a positive test tomorrow or what day of the month it is. While I don’t ever want to go through this again, I know that if we did… we will be okay.

I look at our circumstance and it seems tempting to deem it “unfair”. Yet, my heart KNOWS and is clinging to the truth that GOD IS JUST. He has not wronged me. I am not pitiful. I will spend eternity with my children. How GREAT is my God?

When we began training to foster in April 2015 thoughts of what I wanted our family to look like plagued my mind. Could I prepare a nursery to bring home someone else’s baby? We have always wanted to foster and maybe one day adopt, but I had a picture in my head of how I wanted that to go, too. I had expectations for my journey through motherhood. As much as I prayed to surrender those expectations, I didn’t.

My mind was also plagued with fears about foster care. My second-worst fear was that I would not love the children brought into my home as my own. That I would feel like I am babysitting and fail them. My worst fear was that we would welcome a child into our home and love it as our own and then lose it.

I sit here now, my expectations for our family utterly shattered. My fears faced, having fallen in love with my unborn children so quickly, so fully, and losing them. I sit here now, hands and heart open to whatever God has in store.

I know whatever it may be... He has gone before us and He will go with us. And one day we will join Him.