07/27/2015
There is a constant battle between my faith and my flesh.
Initially, I feel grateful for others' happy news. Then it sits there and my flesh takes over, my human nature consumes me.
I lay in bed, and in anger cry out,
Why my baby, God?
If God is all powerful, which You are…
If He intended for us to live in perfection and relationship with Him, which You did…
If He loves us, which You do…
Why did You plan for us to eat the apple?
Why did You plan for us to need saving?
Why did You plan for us to be separated from You?
Why pour out Your wrath?
Why set all these things in motion in order to bring Yourself glory?
To be your own heroine? Are You that narcissistic?
You obviously love yourself, more than you love me. You love your glory above all.
But, Your glory leads to the world You intended.
You loved us so much that you gave us free will.
You gave us a choice, knowing that we wouldn’t choose you.
You watch us struggle and you must think,
“Why my child?”
You allowed us to separate from You, You planned to lose your own children.
You knew that it would bring us suffering, which would bring you pain.
But You let us choose.
You brought us out, so that you could bring us in.
That we might know the pain of Your sacrifice, the depth of Your love, and the fullness of grace more completely.
You let me yell at you in anger. You let me question Your character. In the same angry thoughts, my heart cries out the answers. You have put them inside me. You don’t leave me. You have not forsaken me. You will not leave your child in the desert. You will bring me home.
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