I feel like I am failing at everything.
I am failing at being a wife.
I am failing at being a mother.
I am failing God with my lack of faith.
I am failing at being a good friend.
I can’t put aside my selfishness to go to our small group bible study; to invest in other’s lives.
I can’t find a way to surrender.
I feel guilty for these failures and it is heavy and I don’t like being me.
Then I come home to this package covered in scripture and each breaks me down.
There is this book in the package, the first page says “Mommy, please don’t cry…There are no tears in heaven.”
I have thought about baby being in heaven. I’m not sure it seems real. I'm not sure I have considered the implications of the reality of eternity. Michael and I have talked about what form baby would be. Baby was the tiniest little life when baby left me, the size of a blueberry.
For a moment, I can see the truth. Not just something I say to myself to make me feel better and not just something I believe. In this moment I realize it is real.
Baby was a life. God finds all life precious. He perfects it. My baby is perfect.
Baby is now a perfect, healthy baby who has been held only by Jesus and I.
Baby was not born into a cruel, evil world; baby was born into the arms of Jesus.
Baby will never know hurt or pain. Baby is truly alive in Christ and will live forever.
But the absolute best part, that in this moment is not just a cliché, is that because of the redeeming and refining blood of Christ, I will live an eternity worshiping God with our whole family.
Right now, I can see that the absence of baby is not what makes our family incomplete. It is this world. It is the absence of God.
I shared with Michael that I feel like I am not handling this well, that my faith should be bigger; he said that it is not my faith that matters but the object of my faith.
Losing baby was not an accident, a “miscarriage”. It is not that baby “wasn’t meant to be”, it is that losing baby was.
I have been living as if this world is all there is.
God doesn’t stop there. He doesn’t just take baby away. He conquered death! He lives! He has already righted this wrong.
For the first time, I truly see this as a light and momentary affliction. For the first time, I can see that he is preparing an eternal glory beyond all comparison.
…And because He lives, I can face tomorrow.
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| Photos by Anna Merrell Photography and Design |
I just found your blog and I wanted to say I am deeply sorry for your loss. I had a miscarriage on Sept 28th of this year at 10weeks and it is the absolute most horrible awful unimaginable pain. Take your breath away pain. I want to thank you for telling the world your story and for trusting in the Lord to do as you felt Him lead. It is so comforting knowing I'm not the only one who has gone through the exact same feelings and emotions verbatim. Not that I would ever want anyone else to have ever gone through the loss of a baby. But it's comforting to know someone else out there gets how you feel. Thank you. I also adore the necklace with the birthstone inside! Would you mind sharing where you found it? ~Morgan
ReplyDeleteMorgan,
DeleteI am so sorry to hear about your loss as well. I understand what you mean. While I hate that we both have these feelings, I am thankful to be in such good company. It is truly an answered prayer to hear about the way God is working here, thank you for reaching out to me. There are two birthstone necklaces, I think you mean the locket one that reads "I held you" on the outside and "every second of your life" on the inside with the birthstone charm. My best friend gave that most precious gift to me, I will ask her where she got it!
What a sweet friend! I think it's so neat you are allowing the Lord I use this time to minister to others! I really appreciate your reply and I'm looking forward to reading your future posts! You and your husband have been in my prayers and will continue to be. ~Morgan
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