Come on in

Michael and I have had a blast making our house into a home over the past month! 

It has been so much fun decorating and putting things in their place.. but what has truly been amazing is sharing it with our friends and family.

Our life will happen here. It is where we will spend quiet Sunday afternoons and where we will have slumber parties with our nephews and nieces. Where hopefully one day we will bring home our first child. Where we will gather with family at the kitchen table and with friends around the fire in the backyard. I thank God for the many blessings He has given me inside of these walls. 

Every year we have pictures taken for our anniversary, so that one day we can watch ourselves grow old. (See last year's here.) For our 4th anniversary pictures we decided to include our new home and our pups! Photos by Sugar Snap Images

So, come on in, we are happy to have you. :) 

These walls are just walls, but oh the love and memories they will hold. 

A Red Ribbon Life

Tuesday marked Keith's 6 years of being drug free.

We celebrated by speaking to a few hundred middle and high school students about our stories. How cool is that??

Looking back to that time in our lives renews my gratefulness time and time again.  (Read their stories of addiction here.)

I speak of the men that broke our hearts and filled our prayers for so many years and I cannot believe that they are the same men I stood by today in that gymnasium. They were eloquent and well spoken. They were honest and transparent. They were admirable. 

... Like I ever stopped admiring them anyways. :)

Before we left nerves were making me act like a loon and Keith reached out his hands and said, "I know what we need to do" and I held hands with my two big brothers as Keith said the most beautiful prayer my ears have ever heard. Words flowed from his mouth to The Lord so true and loving. And then I knew that it didn't matter what I said today, whether I forgot things or left them out... God was going with us and it would be according to His plan, not ours. 

God sent us. He went with us. 

I led with this imagery of my experiences with my brothers' addiction.

I want you to think of the person you love and look up to most in the world. Think of all the reasons you love them. Now imagine that you are standing alone with them in this gym and they are at the other end. You see them and wave hello to them. They wave a warm welcome and motion for you to come closer. As you start to walk over to them you see them pouring something over their body... You smell gas.. You call out to them, "what are you doing?". They look to you but turn away. As you get closer you see there is something in their hand, you realize it's a match. You try to run to them, but it's like you're in a dream and although you are running you never go anywhere. You are watching them light the match and as the flames burst forth you yell and scream and run trying to tell them what to do but...they can't hear you...you can't reach them.  They struggle. They fall beneath the flames. You look around searching for help and all of a sudden you are not alone. You are surrounded by groups of people.. As you go to them you hear them whisper judgmental words, " they did this to themself" as they shake their heads and one by one turn their backs to the flames. And maybe you do too. Or maybe you remember all the reasons you looked up to them..and you have no choice but to sit defeated and watch them burn. 

That is what it is like to love someone with an addiction.

If the destruction addiction brings had never spread through our family... Maybe birthdays and holidays wouldn't be so special... And we wouldn't celebrate days like today and all that God has done. 

And He brought us out from there, that He might bring us in 

and give us the land that He swore to give to our fathers. 

Deuteronomy 6:23

ashamed

I have had writer's block.

I have wanted to write... just no clue what to write.

Everything seemed... unimportant.

Or more importantly, uninspired.

Michael and I went to church this morning and our pastor stated that hearing the gospel demands a response.

Yes or No.

I said yes when I was 8. Mom and I were on our way home from church. I had wondered about being saved for awhile. I knew that I was sinful. I knew I didn't want to go to hell. I knew that Jesus died so that I didn't have to. I knew that if I asked him to come into my heart, He would save me.

So one day, on a winding car ride, I asked him.

Since that day, I have learned a lot about God and His character. He has taught me many lessons. He has worked in me and my heart in numerous ways.
At times I have relied only on Him. But more often than that I have relied on myself.
At times I have loved Him most. But more often than that I have loved myself more.
At times I have walked with Him. But more often than that, I have walked without Him.

This morning our pastor said that responding yes to the gospel, to salvation, requires two things:

1. Faith
2. Repentance

Faith, as it pertains to Christ, is not simply belief in Him, but reliance on Him.

Most people believe in God. Most people do not rely on God. Myself included.

I have always believed in God, I consider that the biggest blessing in my life. For reasons unbeknownst to me, God has always been true to me. No questions asked. I have learned the true meaning of the gospel and come closer and closer to God. But knowing Him and relying on Him are two different things, and He requires them both.

In the past few months especially, despite the facts that I see the Lord's work in my life and that I ask Him for help, I do not truly surrender.

This morning, I was hit hard by the fact that I do not live in repentance.

I may complacently ask for forgiveness every once in awhile, I may become overwhelmed with guilt with the sins I repeatedly commit and ask for forgiveness... but shortly after I return to my usual casual prayers and controlling ways.

I know that I will never be rid of sin.
I know that I cannot fix these things about myself.
I can talk your ear off about what I believe and the God I love.

Today I realized that is not enough. Not for me, and certainly not for Him.

My pride fought back. Am I really doing this wrong? But I know Him... But I love Him...

But I'm constantly falling short and not turning to Him.

I will always fall short, I will never be good enough. Christ died so that I don't have to be.  But I do have to bring these struggles to Him, even if that means over and over and over again.

Then I was crying and I was praying. Praying a prayer that I prayed 17 years ago with a new understanding.

And I said yes...

to a life of repentance and a long life in eternity with Christ.

A House is A House

We have been house shopping!

This includes looking at a lot of houses. Thinking we have found the one, only to walk out the door and find out it sold an hour before.

I have day-dreamed and imagined us in each house. I know exactly what I want in our house from the floors to the color of the kitchen cabinets.

I have had to wrestle with what is truly important about our future house. And what is not.

I can honestly, and ashamedly, say that I have spent an ungodly amount of time in the past few weeks thinking about and pouring myself and cares into our future home.

I have agonized about the large decision weighing over us. I have been disappointed about houses that have finishes that are not my first choice.  Disappointed to a point that I was no longer looking forward to a house of our own.

I have made this house my God.

It has determined my happiness.

I have looked for it to satisfy me.

As we do so many things of this world.

Significant others.

Romance.

A job. 

A new place to live. 

None of these things, not the love of my life, not serving others in my job, not moving to a new city, not having the best friends in the world, not the way I look, not the weight I lose (or gain)...
will bring me happiness apart from Christ. 

How many time have I thought...
"If I could just get this or have that.. then I will truly be happy..."

When I get engaged...

After I get married...

When I get into PT school...

When I have a job...

When we have a house..

Happiness in this world is elusive. This world is temporary, as are all things I want for. Everything apart of Christ is temporary.

17The world is passing away, and also its lusts; but the one who does the will of God lives forever.

1 John 2:17

If my joy is not found in the Lord, I will never have true joy.



What the heck does that look like?!

I mean, that sounds all well and good, and I KNOW these things to be true...

but how do I live like they are true?

I will pray.

At the end of the day I am more like this world than I am like Christ and I can do nothing on my own to change that.

As crazy as it sounds, I will ask God to make my longings to be for Him. Not people or possessions or accomplishments.

I will pray to see the things of this world for what they are: temporary and fleeting

Michael is my husband. He is not supposed to complete me.

My job is a method to bring God glory and share His love, not fulfill me.

A house is a house.

It is a worldly thing. The color of the cabinets have no bearing on eternity.

God's will, to love and live in communion with Him, can be fulfilled regardless

the people around us,

the hurt inside of us,

the checks we cash,

the work we do,

and

the walls that surrounds us.

Four Years Ago Today

Four years ago today Leah and I were driving out to the church camp where I met Michael 6 years  earlier.  

We almost got hit by a semi. 

But we made it to the church... good thing I'm not superstitous.

That day was beautiful and romantic. 

As I look back through our four years of marraige, I can't help but notice how different that day is from our day to day marriage. 

Being short with each other after a long day, watching movies on a computer screen in bed, eating tuna noodle casserole for lunch and dinner for days, living in a 2 bedroom apartment with a moose... these scenes are not romantic. They are not moments that anyone wants to capture in a photograph. 

For as beautiful as that day was, facing life with this man, as imperfect as it may be, has been the best adventure. 

So, here is to four years ago today, and the many days that look nothing like it that lay ahead. 

Thank God for this man.