07/19/2015
Michael and I went to Hermann MO for the weekend.
If there was any advice I would give to someone going
through this or a situation of your own… which I would not because as
previously mentioned I hate advice at this point… but maybe someone is more
humble than I or someone you love is going through something and you need an
idea for how to show you care. Get them out of their world. Go outside of their brokenness. Even if it is an over night stay 3 hours away from home, get away. I know it will all be there
when you get back, but maybe it will look slightly different.
When we left Springfield I was angry. My face was contorted
in rage. I had no love for God. No
willingness to respond to His call. Friday night I saw just how dangerous the
anger is to my marriage, how quickly and easily I can lash out at the man who
has held me and been my rock through it all. In one breath I cursed God, and in
the next I realized how much I needed Him.
Michael rented us a cottage with luxury linens and a huge
bathtub. I don’t think I could ever give enough credit to this man. The thing
about being only with my husband is that I can be 100% me 100% of the time. If
a word in conversation makes me sad and my eyes well up with tears, he squeezes
me. If I want to talk about our baby until I am blue in the face, he hears it.
If I am hurting, he is hurting. I don’t have to feel guilty for making him
uncomfortable with my pain. I don’t have to feel guilty for smiling.
We spent a night and 2 days doing whatever we wanted. We
drank too much wine. We napped. We ate cheese and crackers. We went for a drive
through the country… because we got lost and had no service. We laughed. We
cried. We hugged a lot. We slept in. We ate a ridiculous breakfast. We went to
wineries. We bought 9 bottles of wine… that’s right, we took 9. We listened to
that Oceans song like 20 times. The one where it says:
So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the
waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your
embrace
For I am Yours and
You are mine
Spirit lead me where my trust
is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet
could ever wander
And my faith will be made
stronger
In the presence of my
Savior
We talked about how deep the waters are. How we can’t
believe He has called us so far out here. How the waves are so deep.
And maybe, for the first time yet, I know that this is where
He has called me, and I know He is with me. I can feel His love.
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| Photo by Anna Merrell Photography and Design |
Always praying for you both during this tough time.
ReplyDeleteThank you love
DeleteKatelyn,
ReplyDeleteI don't know you and you have no idea who I am, but we have more than just a first name in common. My husband and I lost a baby in August. You have the remarkable ability to put into words what I have been feeling over the last 2 months. The heartbreak, the anger, the dread; all of it. I cannot adequately describe to you how it felt to read your words for the first time and realize that someone else understands. Thank you for being brave enough to share this and know that I am praying for you.
I am so sorry for your loss. I am so glad you are shared this with me. I have been feeling alone this week and not brave at all, and while I am sad that you have experienced these feelings, it brings comfort to know that you are with me in them. It also gives courage to share more. Thank you, I will be praying for you as well. I would love to hear about your baby any time you would like to talk. Feel free to find me on Facebook. I don't know you, but from one mother to another, I love you and I hurt for the loss of your baby.
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