Day 5

I wrote throughout the loss of our baby as a way to process my emotions. I quickly saw the way God used my writing to reveal His truth to me. 

I share this with you now so that others feeling this pain would know that they are not alone; that it is okay to cry out to God with your questions and rage. 

I share this with you now as a way for us to confront the darkness in our lives. For us to become more comfortable in it, that in doing so we might share in each others' darkness. Not so that we can empathize with one another, pat each other on the back, say clichés, and go on about our way; but that we might experience one another's pain. 

I share this in hopes that when we come in contact with someone who is hurting we might express and demonstrate compassion, joining in their grief. 

I share this in fervent prayer that God would reveal the same truth that He has shown me, to you. 

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07/12/2015 10:45 am

Today, I prayed to not be bitter; to be able to love those around me who are blessed with growing tummies and babies. I am not more entitled to a child than they are. They do not deserve a child more than I do. God loves all mothers and grows us differently.

Today, I prayed to not be filled with anger. I would rather be filled to overflowing with sadness and pain, as I am, than anger.

My baby is gone, and that needs to bring God glory. I desperately need it to. That is the way and why He planned it, and I want to be a part of it. I am instrumental to it.

Today, I am thankful He has placed these desires on my heart. Today, I am thankful He is faithful. At all times.

Today, I am heart broken and weak, but I refuse to succumb to my flesh today.

The real truth is I am not really choosing any of this, but Christ in me.

Praise God for that.

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07/12/2015 9:30 pm

I want to be someone else; someone who enjoys talking about work, and their house, and has interest in other people’s lives.

That person is not me. 

Because while I sit there trying to form what I remember to be a smile, all I can think about is that my baby is gone. 

The real elephant in the room is that last week I was pregnant and excited and the happiest person on earth and now I am lucky if I brush my teeth or get out of bed because everything around me pails in comparison to the pain inside my chest. I fear that if I continue to suppress the agony with this terribly uncomfortable smile that I will suffocate.

When I can finally remove the forged smile everything hurts so much and misery runs over my body and I feel like the biggest fraud.

I don’t know how to move forward without being strangled by the pain.

All the things I said this morning make me sick right now. I don’t even want to pray. I don’t want to turn my face to God. I have succumbed to the pain, to my inability to fight it off. It would seem like a perfect time to turn to God, when I absolutely cannot do it myself, and I have no desire to.

I feel deserted and have no praise within me.