Day 10

These dark, anger filled days are incredibly difficult to share. 
Looking back at them is hard as well.
I don't want to admit these terrible feelings I felt, how I failed as a lover of God, and as a friend; let alone allow the world to see.  
We don't show this side of ourselves to others, our utter depravity. We put on a gracious facade and act like we have never wrestled with God like Jacob or questioned God like Job. God does not need us to save ourselves. He already did. 

My weak moments point to Him, that is why I am sharing.
If you are feeling these things, I want you to know you are not alone or a failure, that is why I am sharing.
God uses our weakness, our darkness to demonstrate His overwhelming grace. 

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07/17/2015

The last two days I have felt intense anger.  I want to hit something anger. I am so angry I feel disgusted with myself anger. Shaking, grit your teeth anger. I hate everything anger. Face-contorting anger. I get so overwhelmed with these feelings I have to stop in the middle of the day and put it down on paper so that I can feel a little less in my body. These were three different instances. This is just a glimpse at how emotionally filled and diverse a day in my body is.

I feel entitled. God doesn’t get to say no to me after what He has done. How dare He. He gives us the greatest joy, He allows my heart to settle into a place of comfort, and then He takes it away. Every moment of the past 10 weeks are now tainted with heartache and sadness. My chest is so heavy. I am overflowing with anger and selfish thoughts. He has thrown me into this pit and occasionally He throws down a little peace and a little hope, but these overwhelming feelings of darkness always return. I am forsaken.

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Hearing about pregnancy makes me incredibly uncomfortable. Please, tell me all about the things I didn’t get to experience with my first child. How all these babies are going to be born and mine is not. How can I celebrate that? How can I be happy about that?

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Two of my four babies showed up today. I have seen 3 this week total. That is unheard of. I don’t know why He continues to love on me when I continually turn to everyone but Him for comfort. When I am so angry at Him. I don’t know why, but God, I am so thankful.

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I am supposed to throw my best friend’s baby shower a week from tomorrow. Such a wonderful occasion that creates so much dread and anxiety inside me. And anger, anger that I have to do this right now. There are moments when I can see outside of my grief and outside of myself and I know that I can celebrate this life, this life I am going to love so much and I am so thankful that her baby is growing and healthy and that she doesn’t have to go through this. That, I can celebrate, but the thought of a day devoted to talk about pregnancy and babies all around me, a day I have to host, makes me ache to the core. When I think about all the joy and excitement that will fill the house that day I picture myself barely making it out before absolutely crumbling.

I don’t want to be that person; that person that can’t stand to see other people’s happiness.  That person that alienates their friends because of what they do not have. I do not want to be bitter. I want to be gracious and loving and more like Jesus.

Then I realize that I lost my baby 8 days ago and I am not sure I can be those things just yet.