Fear and pregnancy after miscarriage

Please note: this was written in November while I was pregnant with our second baby. We lost our second baby.

11/1//2015

My hands were shaking, my heart beating out of my chest as I waited the three minutes. As soon as I read the word “Pregnant” I took a deep breath, my heart calmed, tears flowed and I told God that our baby is His, that I surrender this life to His plan. I prayed for the ability to love and care for this life as long as He would have me to. I prayed for the ability to want His glory more than I want this child.

Sometimes, I feel like I have to do that every second of every day. 

I can feel the fear creeping up like a thick fog, clouding my rational thoughts and awareness of the truth. Every new and different feeling inside me, every pregnancy symptom, or lack thereof, brings a wave of fear.

In a moment of honesty the other night, I told Michael that I feel like I am waiting for the foot to drop. I don’t know what pregnancy looks like past week 10, and I honestly don’t expect to. I don’t expect for this baby to live.

I do not want to carry this baby in constant fear; to be 9 months pregnant and look back and think, “Man, I sure wish I would have enjoyed that.” or to lose this baby and look back and think, “Man, I sure wish I would have enjoyed that.”

I can’t help but come back to my due date, a beautiful picture of God’s redemption. He didn’t have to do that. To make such a dark time on this earth a little brighter. He already died for me, He already righted this wrong. And yet, He entrusts us with a new life to take care of and sets this baby’s arrival among the darkest week of our lives.

How absolutely unnecessary, yet breathtakingly beautiful.

Whether or not this baby lives or dies does not change what I know to be true about my savior.

God is good. Period.

God is love. Period.

God is just. Period.

God. Is. Sovereign.

He leaves none of those things open for interpretation.

Because of those truths, I have nothing to fear in this world. Only if I am living for this world, and not for eternity, does the fear threaten to overtake me.  

As the fear starts to rise I ask myself, a million times a day I ask myself, what am I living for?

But…

my baby…

it would kill me…

i wouldn’t make it…

What am I living for?

When the answer is eternity, there are no objections that justify the fear.

When I am living for eternity, I am not a slave to fear.

I am His child.